Cruise Control
by Thoughts of Yesterday
Summary: One brother with his whole life changed, and the other infested with guilt that is swallowing him alive. HIATUS
1. Chapter 1: The Accident

**Cruise Control**

I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram,  
on a silver black phantom bike.  
When the metal is hot and the engine is hungry,  
and we're all about to see the light.

**Bat Out of Hell by Meatloaf.**

* * *

On the outskirts of town, was a deserted stretch of broken road that the everyone knew as _No Mans Land. _It was called that because it laid as the only road down at the old factories that were shut down long long before I was born.

The crumbling buildings, inclosed in old rusted fencing, with broken windows and graffiti on their walls – they were even said to be hunted.

It wasn't a place I'd like to be at normally, especially alone, but tonight was Friday night – which only meant one thing.

Well, a couple of things.

Parties and drag.

_No Mans Land,_ which was normally dark and down right creepy, was lit up with headlight and spotlights from the seemingly endless row of cars everywhere. The normally silent night, was alive with the loud sounds of music blaring, engines going off as people showed off their rides, and the people talking and laughing – a few actually fighting.

I eyed the guy next to me, a Soc – in his trademark Mustang, that had some type of beef with me. "What's his problem?" I asked my best buddy Steve who was riding shotgun with me. He tossed his head back, a couple of the swirls of his hair moved around, and laughed.

"His girl is a member of your fan club." He said, still chuckling. I just shrugged and revved the engine of the borrowed '65 Pontiac GTO, there was no telling what girl Steve was referring to. I'm not one to toot my own horn but my _fan club,_ as everyone called it, seemed to be endless.

_'I'm taken anyway.' _I thought, glancing down the road to where I knew Sandy, along with Evie, my baby brother Ponyboy and a few other members of our little gang were waiting.

The driver of the Mustang mocked my actions, revving his engine loud and hard. It didn't sound bad but the souped up sky blue machine we were in sounded better, it was better.

"Ready buddy?" Steve was practically bouncing in his seat with excitement when some hood I didn't know came out with a makeshift flag. I revved the engine again as my answer.

The hood held up his hand and started counting;

3...

The Soc had his engine going, to loud and long I was worried he'd blow a piston going at it as he was. Wouldn't be much of a race then.

2...

Steve slapped my shoulder and hooped out the window, making those standing near us yell back, cheering us on.

1.

We were off -

Sky blue of the Pontiac side by side with the candy red of the Mustang.

Beside me Steve hooped and hollered as we raced down the street, I could feel the grin on my face stretching wider as the adrenaline kicked in.

People always told me that I could get drunk without even touching a lick of alcohol, and this was why. The feeling of the thrill of the risk was all I needed to feel on top of the world.

I could see the awful looking spray painted finish line ahead and I continued to push it. The speedometer climbed up and up, higher and higher along with it that feeling inside me grew.

"We got 'em!" Steve called, hitting the dash again and again.

I chanced a glance from the former of my eyes to see that, sure enough, we were inching ahead of the Mustang. It was going to be a close one but we were going to make it first.

_And then..._

_...that's when it all happened._

I felt the steering wheel shake violently in my tight gripe, before the jerked to the side out of my hands right as there was a loud bang that sounded like what I thought a cannon going off would.

Automatically I knew what happened; we blew a tire.

_Oh shit._

"Oh shit!" I heard Steve holler out. I tried to keep it steady, I tried to slow it down but it was out of control and all I could do was brace myself when the car lurched to the side.

I could hear thumps and screams and then the loud crash as the car finally came to a violent and painful stop. I know my body left the seat but I don't know where I ended up hitting.

As my vision went from bright white to gray – every second passed it became darker, I could hear people screaming. I think they were screaming, it sounded all muffled like I was under water or something.

"Steve...!"

But there was no water nearby...

"...elp! Help!"

Steve, is he okay?

"-pop!"

Gotta check on Steve.

"...Pony...onyboy!"

Pony?

And then, I couldn't hear a thing and everything went black.

* * *

**Authors Notes:**

Oh no.


	2. Chapter 2: Panic Attacks

**Cruise Control**

**.**

* * *

Pain.

A lot of pain was the first thing I felt when I managed to pull myself from the thick and seemingly endless darkness. The second thing I felt was dry, a dry thirst and a constant puff of air that irritated the back of my throat.

I coughed once, twice and then I couldn't stop.

"Mr. Curtis?" I heard a voice between my coughing. God, it hurt so bad, I couldn't breathe and my chest felt like it was on fire. "Please calm down Mr. Curtis." The voice said and if I could've I would have rolled my eyes. Really?

That awful air that had been messing with my throat finally stopped and I felt something being pulled away from my face. I felt better but I was still coughing, just not hacking up a lung.

The person pressed something against my lips, water, and I downed it greedily. Never in my life have I been so thirsty but then they pulled it away. "Not so quickly or you'll get sick." I wanted to argue but the rumbling in my belly told me they were right.

But the water did its job and I stopped coughing, but my throat still felt like sandpaper.

"Now, Mr. Curtis." It was a man standing there in a white coat, he was older with a thick beard on his face and equally thick glasses on the bride of his nose. There was a nurse behind him she smiled at me and blushed when I tried to smile at her.

"Mr. Curtis do you know where you are?"

"Sodapop." I managed to croak out, wincing at the sound of my voice. "Hospital." I answered his question as well. I highly doubted I'd have a home visit from them and this definitely wasn't my home. I was in a hospital but why?

And why did my body hurt so bad?

He made a face, at my name I reckon, "Well, you're correct you are in a hospital." He took something out of his packet; a pen light, we use them on the cars at the DX sometimes."How are you feeling?"

Without warning he shined the light in my eyes, temporary blinding me and if I wasn't, I would have gave him one nasty glare. I felt too tired to do much else.

"What...happened?" Man, I sounded horrible.

He did a couple of other tests without answering my question for awhile. "You have a couple of broken ribs along with a fractured skull. Your shoulder was knocked out of place and well, the rest of you took a nasty beating."

That was when I noticed the cloth wrapped around my head and the sling my arm was resting in, whatever else I could see looked awfully bad. My I had many scratches and bruises making me literally black and blue.

My head felt like slush and I just couldn't think right. "What happened?" I asked again, how the heck did I get this way?

The doc sighed and placed his penlight back in his pocket. _Dr. M. Schwartz_ his name tag read. "You were in a car accident, son. A awful one at that." He made some notion to the nurse and she left the room.

Car accident?

But...

Now Man's Land...

...that Soc didn't like me...

I was driving something...something blue.

A car, I was driving a car – that Pontiac.

Damn, Dally's buddy is going to skin me for wrecking his car.

Wait...

"Steve! How is Steve? He was in the car with me?" I started to panic, if Steve got hurt...

The doctor placed a hand on my shoulder , "He's doing fine. A he's going to have an awful headache due to a concussion. We'll be keeping him over night, but he's going to be fine."

I sighed with relief. Good, very good. He was okay.

"But your friends and...your friend Mr. Winston, he has a broken foot. It seems he just didn't get out of the way of your vehicle in time." What? Dally? The doctor noticed my confusion and he looked nervous for a second before he composed himself.

"How'd he get hurt?"

I couldn't control the car and then there was screaming...people were screaming...

"-to get your brother, alright?"

My brother? People were screaming his name. People were screaming for Ponyboy...what happened to him? Before I could answer the doctor left the room and I sat there alone, racking through my brain trying to get things back in order.

I was driving, then a tire blew, I couldn't get the car back under control...it swerved...

"Hey Pepsi..." My head snapped up and I regretted that the second I did it. My head started to pound and my vision started to swim.

"Hey, hey now." I felt a rough hand on my face, "Just breathe." I listened to the sound of my older brothers voice as he coached me through calming myself down, I hadn't even realized I was starting to freak out.

"Wh-what happened?" Was the first thing I asked when I thought I could talk again, my voice sounded worse quivering now like it was.

I looked at Darry and I felt frozen, his eyes were tired and he had dark circles under them that I knew weren't there before we left. He looked worried, more than worried actually but I couldn't put my finger on it. But it was different and that meant something was wrong.

"Dar, please." I knew he was holding back, I could see him thinking about a lie to tell me, not a full lie but a twisted truth just to make me feel better. After knowing him my whole life, I could see right through it.

It took him a moment, and that cold fear in the pit of my stomach began to freeze.

"Your car ran off the road and into the crowd." He started so quietly I had to strain to hear him, "A few folks got hurt."

Two-Bit, Johnny, Dally, Pony, Sandy and Evie were all with each other. If Dally got hurt so I must have gone through them...my friends, my love, my baby brother...

"Dally's foot got ran over and Two-Bit managed to get the others out the way but...honey, it's...Pony..."

No.

No.

No.

No...

No!

"I hit 'im...?" I felt sick. I felt -

"Yea..." He stopped talking and swallowed like he had something stuck in his throat. "He's not doin' well." I felt numb, just numb. So many feelings popped up at once and then I couldn't feel anything. My brain stopped working and I couldn't breathe again.

"Breathe Soda!" Darry hit my back and I _knew_ he had but I couldn't feel it. "Breathe! Just calm down!"

I ran over Pony...

My baby brother...

Then everything came back.

_The car went out of control and I could hear people screaming, but in the mist of the screaming I heard a thump and something that sounded like a yelp, the car kept going and then finally it stopped after hitting something hard; one of the older warehouses._

_I could see something out the window but it was too dark and the windshield was broken. Blood? Was that mine or Steve's? No, it was on the outside of the window. Something was still there on the end of the car but then...there was nothing._

"That's it just breathe..." I could feel Darry's hand on my back and my vision cleared again.

"-into shock." someone to my side said, the same side I could feel a familiar hand in mine, it was soft and small. "Gave him something to relax him."

_Sandy..._

She was okay, Two-Bit got her out of the way. I squeezed her hand and she squeezed back. Something wasn't right though, someone was missing.

They were hurt and I knew they were, if I could think again I could find I who, the fog was so thick...

I wanted to say something, to ask them more questions, but my tongue felt thick and heavy.

I tried to open my eyes, before I could everything went dark again.

* * *

Posting this before bed so its unedited and yes, it's suppose to be a lot of rambling.

About Salvage Me, I've been asked not to continue it right now - my friend who is giving the insight, her youngest son is ill and she's just in a very flustered state right now.


	3. Chapter 3: Discoveries

Cruise Control

* * *

When I woke up this time, it was in much of the same way except for the fog that settled in my brain. The fog was different, it seemed thicker and heavier much like an early morning after a night of storms.

Storms – Ponyboy hates storms. He loves the rain and the sight of lighting, but the thunder is what scares him half to death.

When thunder wakes him up he glues himself to my side and tries not to make a sound every time the sky rumbles.

"_Thunder is the sound lighting makes,_" He'll mumbled to himself, _lighting is hot and it makes the air around it get hotter and hotter._ The our room would light up as lighting strikes through the sky, I could hear is voice get more tense and he starts to talk faster then,_ "hot air gets bigger and bigger and it pushes and vibrates and that's what makes the sound. That's all, that's all..."_

I would try and just lay there not making a sound, I know how much he hates waking me up in the middle of the night but when the thunder rumbles he can't hold it in anymore. I turn in bed and I would take him in my arms. "It's just like popcorn Pone." I would say, calming him down just a bit. "Just popcorn..."

I open my eyes to stare up a the ceiling of the hospital, the fog had went away some but my head still felt heavy and the smell in my room wasn't helping it any.

From the corner of my eyes I could see where the smell was coming from; a couple of vases were sitting on a table in front of the window filled with different flowers. One that stood out was the one in the middle with one of those aluminum balloons that read: _It's a boy!_

I knew where those had came from – Two-Bit.

The door to my room opened and a nurse walked in, "Well, good morning Mr. Curtis." She beamed and I gave her the best smile I could manage. "We'll good afternoon actually, Mr. Curtis."

"Sodapop." I corrected her, Mr. Curtis was always my dad or Darry – I wasn't a Mister nothing.

She blushed and nodded, "Sodapop then." the nurse came over to the bed and took my wrist between her fingers with her eyes glued to the gold watch on her wrist. "Good, good." she mumbled letting my hand fall to the bed.

She walked around and checked on a couple of other things before I interrupted her, "Am I on anything?" Something had to be causing the fog in my brain, it wasn't going away and it was keeping me from thinking.

I didn't like it one bit.

"Earlier you had a panic attacked and they needed to calm you down. You're just experiencing some side effects right now. Since you're awake, it will all start clearing up."

Panic attack...

Why?

I remembered why, I just didn't want to focus on it right now. I could feel my stomach moving like I was going to be sick. "Is...is he alright?"

She gave me a look, one that I didn't like a bit but she did a good job in trying to cover it. "I can go get your older brother, if you would like?"

Darry was still here? Of course he would be, his two kid brothers were in the hospital and one "wasn't doing so well"...

I nodded and she left the room.

Now alone I let out the sigh I had been holding and brought my hands to my face as some of the fog began to lift.

_"He's not doin' well." _

"Pony..." I could feel wetness coating the palms of my eyes as I rubbed them. I didn't know what was wrong with him, but I knew he was hurt and bad. I could just feel it somewhere inside of me. I needed answers though, I needed to know what happened even though part of me didn't.

_"Your car ran off the road and into the crowd." _

I pulled my hands away from my eyes and let them drop again to my sides. I needed answers and I needed them now. I still didn't know how bad he was, hell he could be lying down in the morgue right now for all I knew.

No, I can't think like that. He could be doing fine now, just fine and we'll both be back home soon.

I finally got myself calmed down just in time, without warning the door to my room swung open and there was Darry.

I'm not sure how long they knocked me out for, but for however long Darry seemed to age many years. He looked just dead tired on his feet like he was just going to drift off while standing there.

His eyes had bags under them that were so deep and dark I thought I was looking into the eyes of Death itself.

"Hey buddy." He tried to smile at me but it failed to reach his eyes, it failed to even completely form into one. "How you feelin'?"

"Better." I followed him with my eyes as he sat on the chair by the side of the hospital bed I was in. "I should be askin' you that question Dar." Again he tried to smile, he did better this time but it still wasn't right.

"I'm fine, just tired." He stretched and I winced as I heard his joint pop, "Lots of paper work to fill out with you two." He was cautious when he said the last part, worried I'd have another fit or something. But, I did my best to stay calm.

I didn't say anything at first, after a few moments of silence I couldn't hold it in anymore. "What happened?" I asked he tried to look away from me but I wouldn't let him. "What happened?"

He ran his hand through his hair roughly, "We shouldn't talk about that now...you just focus on-"

"What? Myself?" I let out a sarcastic laugh, "Like I can do that knowin' that Pone is in here somewhere and I don't know what's wrong with 'im or how bad he's doin'! You know I cain't do that, man. Just-" I threw the covers off of me, "if you won't tell me, I'm gettin' out of this bed to find out myself!"

The second my socked feet hit the tiled floor, my vision began to swim and I was fighting to keep my balance. Even tired as he was, Darry was quick in catching me before I could crumble to the ground. "Dang it."

Darry sat me down in the chair he had been sitting in just seconds ago. "You alright?" He asked after giving me a moment to get myself right. "Shouldn't've get up like that, you've been flat on your back for over 24 hours."

I nodded not trusting myself to speak, my stomach was still flipping and turning like it was part of a circus act.

"-haven't had a thing to eat either. I'm gonna get a nurse to bring you somethin' since Two-Bit went to town on your lunch." I listened to Darry ramble for a while but when he moved to go to the door my hand shot out to grab his sleeve.

"Pony." I said quickly and sharply, he wasn't going to distract me from this. "I want to see him."

Again we went into a silence that was none too comfortable – "Please."

He sighed before he slowly nodded, "I gotta tell you first what's wrong with him Sodapop." Again he ran his fingers through his hair before sitting down on the edge of the bed.

What's wrong with him...

Something is wrong with my baby brother...

Wrong.

The fear started to take over again and I wanted to tell Darry never mind, I didn't want to hear. But I needed to. I needed to know -

I slowly looked up at him, giving him to go ahead to continue.

Darry took a deep breathe, "When the car hit him, he didn't – he," I watched as he nervously cleared his throat and then swallowed hard, "he wasn't _thrown_ off or just ran over. He uh...Soda, he – the car continued _on_ with him on it."

I was starting to think that maybe Ponyboy just got busted up inside or something, like the car punched him in the stomach and held on. I started to think and hope that he would be okay because he was just hurting but the doctors were working on patching him up...

I was fine thinking that and I could tell Darry to stop and let me think all I was thinking. What I was thinking wasn't right though, Darry still had more to say and it wasn't what I was thinking and hoping he would

I wasn't prepared for what he said next.

"The car ran through the old rusted fence around those old factories," Darry continued, his voice dropped a bit and bit face twisted like the words coming from his mouth was causing him pain. "Pony was still on the car when it hit one of those buildings, Sodapop."

He was still on the car when it hit...

"He was...he was pinned between them." Those last words were said so softly I almost didn't hear them. But I did and then the words started to register in my brain -

_He was pinned between the car and the building. The old cinder block building and the double ton solid metal car..._

_Pinned._

_Stuck..._

_**Squished...**_

_**Smashed.**_

_Nevermind, _I wanted to say_, It's okay you don't have to say anymore._

Instead I started to ask, "What's wrong..." I couldn't finish saying what I was wanting to, the words just froze in my throat. I tried to swallow and get them unstuck but my mouth had gone completely dry, however Darry knew what I was going to ask.

_You don't have to tell me anymore..._

"His legs," Darry kept his eyes on me, I could feel them on me watching for my reaction. "They got hurt bad honey." He moved off the bed and knelt on the side of the chair I was sitting on. "They're gone, they had to take 'em cause..." He didn't finish, he didn't have to.

They had been pinned -

Stuck...

Squished...

Smashed.

- Between the old building of the factory and the solid metal sky blue car I had been driving.

And I had been driving that car.

I don't know what I had in my stomach, but whatever it was tasted awful when it came up into the waste basket Darry was holding up to me.

What have I done?

* * *

Originally I am right handed but long ago I had to adapt because my hand, starting right above the wrist had to be amputated due to a deformation that was made worse because of surgeries that were meant to correct it. I was going on 6 when it happened so I don't remember much of it and I'm happy I don't - I think?

Sorry for the slow updates but thank you for the reviews, PMs, favs and so on. Keep 'em coming they make me go Yay and Thanks for understanding about Salvage Me.


	4. Chapter 4: Orange Cast

**Cruise Control**

* * *

I sat on the edge of the hospital bed freshly showered, with my hair still damp and changed into clothing that was my own. In my lap I held the empty plastic bag that the clothes had been brought to me in.

"You okay?" I looked up to see Sandy standing there just inches away from me, I went to tell her that I was fine, but before I could utter a word she covered my lips with her hand. "Don't lie to me."

I let out a sigh when she removed her hand and placed it down gently on my right shoulder, then followed that by placing her other hand on my left. I leaned forward and rested my forehead against her chest, releasing another sigh. "I won't get to see him before I leave."

I wasn't sure she even heard me until she slid her arms around me, "You'll see him tomorrow, baby. Even the doctor said-"

"They don't know everythin'." Tomorrow could be too late. By tomorrow, he could be gone and I could never tell him how sorry I am. By, tomorrow I could never ever see him again. "Another operation in less than two days, 'andy."

_And I didn't even know what for..._

"I haven't got to see 'im sin-since..." _The accident I caused._ I couldn't even say it out loud, I couldn't even speak about the reason my baby brother was on the operating table – again and it was all because of me.

Sandy didn't speak for a long time, she didn't have to. There was nothing she or anyone could say that would make me feel better – nothing.

The door opened a couple minutes later and Darry came in looking, if even possible, more worn out than he was before. "Got you signed out." He said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder to the doorway, where a nurse was, holding onto the handles of a wheel chair. "Hop on buddy."

I gave her the best grin I could muster, "I don't need tha-" I started but the nurse quickly cut me off, she was an older lady who wasn't going to fall for any of my charms.

"Hospital rules."

I bit my tongue and did as I was told – thankfully Sandy was allowed to push me out.

The second we exited the sliding glass doors, I jumped out of the wheelchair and onto my feet. I didn't like that at all, not one bit...

_Ponyboy will be stuck in one of those for the rest of his life._ The thought crossed my mind before I even realized it did and all I could do then was stare at the thing like it was a gift from the Devil himself.

"You alright there Pepsi?" Darry came up to me and placed a hand on my shoulder, all people seemed to do when they saw me now. "You're lookin' a lil' pale..."

I shook his hand off. "'m fine, Dar. Lets get outta here." I tried not to look back at the chair but I couldn't help it, however when I turned around it was gone – the nurse had pushed it back inside the building.

For a moment I was thankful she had, but the guilt from that pulled at me.

When we pulled away from the hospital, Sandy sitting in between me and Darry, I drew my attention to the large brown bricked building that sat in the middle of town.

Ponyboy was in here somewhere.

...and I was leaving him behind.

As we drove down the streets towards the house, it was only Sandy who spoke. From time to time Darry would reply to something she said but he was mostly silent along with me. I hadn't turned away from the window this entire time.

It felt like an eternity had passed by the time we finally reached the house. Once Darry pulled up to the curb, I had the door of the truck open and if it wasn't for Sandy's hand that was in mine, I would've hopped out before it was even in park.

For a moment I remembered to be a gentleman and helped my girlfriend out of the truck but that was all I was able to do because suddenly I was pulled away and swung around – much like that a man coming back from the army would do to his lady – but my ribs weren't liking it one bit.

"What a sight for sore eyes!" I didn't see him but by the voice I knew right away who it was.

"Put me down, Two-Bit!" I was able to grunt out between the lack of air and the pain coming from my midsection.

"Oh shit man!" He cursed and quickly dropped me, "I forgot. Crap. Sorry."

I tried to grin through the pain – it wasn't happening. "It's fine." I huffed out but I doubt he had even heard me with Darry hollering at him.

Sandy lead me inside and that's when I noticed Steve. I hadn't seen him since the accident either, I had been passed out when he came by to see me before he was released. "Hey buddy." He said and that moment I ignored to pain to hug my best friend.

"You're alright." Was all I could say, it was one of those you got to see to believe things. I knew he was alright, everyone told me so but I had to see for my own eyes that he was.

We pulled away "Yeah man." - I looked over him and the only physical evidence of the accident was the cuts and bruises all on his skin. Many of them had started to heal over the nearly three days since the wreck.

"Cut on your cheek makes you look pretty tuff."

"I'd say the same for you, but I know your fan club will have a heart attack if they saw your face right now." He grinned at me and I rolled my eyes when I heard Sandy's remark about that being a favor.

"You!"

My head snapped up at the voice, a voice I had been praying I wouldn't hear for a few days; it was Dallas Winston.

He was hobbling down the hallway, his foot foot inside a thick – orange – cast. "You lil' bastard!" If I wasn't scared for my life I would have thought that this was the funniest thing ever, "I'm gonna kill you, you lil' shit!"

That's when Johnny stepped out from the kitchen with something in his hand, "You ain't 'pose to be walkin' on your foot, man." I saw that he had a pair of crutches in his hands and handed them over to the blonde hood.

Whatever steam Dally had been working with obviously ran out, with one cold glare to Johnny and then to me, he grabbed them and hobbled out the door cursing at me under his breath.

"Thanks, Johnnycakes." I gave him a smile but he didn't look up at me to noticed. "Saved my life."

"Yeah well..." He mumbled stuffing his hands in his pockets, "I'm gonna go see if Two-Bit has any smokes." and with that he was out the door – not once had he looked at me.

_What the..._

"He saw it all." Steve answered my unasked question. "He saw it when he kid got hit." He grabbed a beer bottle that was sitting on the coffee table surrounded by others, "Messed him up pretty bad, he's been weird since."

_Shit._

I collapsed onto the couch and rubbed my eyes roughly with the palms of my hands. "How bad...was it?" I asked him.

Steve just shrugged, "I was in the car with you." Of course, I felt stupid for asking him that question. "No one talks about it much."

The accident had happened Friday night and we're at Monday afternoon, it was still too fresh and painful for everyone and here I was pushing for answers when all this was my fault anyway.

"I didn't see much myself," Sandy started when she sat down beside me a cold beer in her hand, "Two-Bit had knocked me and Evie out the way. But I remember the look on John-boy's face," I smiled softly at the name. It was something the girls had taken to calling him since he and Ponyboy are so close. "It was bad."

I didn't ask anything else after that – I just grabbed the small paper bag that contained my prescription, and went into my room.

After shutting the door behind me, I leaned against it and shut my eyes.

_This is too much...way too much._

I opened my eyes, my sight locking onto the shelf at the coner of the room. There rested metals and trophies – a few were mine but most of them were for Ponyboy.

The majority of them were for track, he also had some for things like swimming, baseball and basket ball that he dabbled in when he was in middle school. God, my baby brother was a natural when it came to things but it was track that caught his full attention.

Track.

I went over to the self and fingered one of the trophies.

Track.

"God..." I sobbed, not realizing the tears falling from my eyes until that moment. Darry told me his legs were gone, just gone. He wouldn't be able to do what he loved anymore.

Track.

What he loved and lived for...

"What have I done..."

* * *

Wanted to update quickly because I felt that the last chapter felt too incomplete, plus the 17 reviews in less than 24 hours were nice too. Thanks to everyone for reading and adding to your favorites too.


	5. Chapter 5: Murals

Cruise Control

* * *

I wasn't able to stay in that room for too long, not with it being so empty and quiet – just there full of memories of before. Before Friday night.

Ponyboys' book bag was still thrown across the bed open, with it's contents spilling out onto the sheets; a large book for one of his classes, notebooks and loose sheets of paper and some other stuff. On the desk sat his half-completed homework.

"_Please Darry!" Ponyboy begged, even going so far as to drop down on his knees in front of our oldest brother. "I promise, I'll finish it when we get ba~aack!"_

_I was trying my best not to crack up, I could just tell Darry had long given into Ponyboy's begging and pleading. Right now, he was just enjoying the show and I can't help but to admit, I was too. _

"_Just one race and then I'll walk back with Johnny and...and I'll bring my keister right into this house and plop down to finish my homework! I mean, even though it _is_ Friday," Of course Pony had to get some sort of comment in, even when he was winning. "I'll still finish it. I promise promise promise promise..." and on he went until Darry cut him off by placing a large hand over his mouth._

"_Okay."_

"_And why not? It ain't fair that-what?" He blinked up at Darry, his gray green eyes got all wide and he obviously didn't believe what he had heard. I couldn't hold in my laughter any longer and I soon found myself spread out on the couch clutching my stomach._

"_I said, alright, you can go. But one race, Pone. One!" Darry held up a finger, "One and you'll be back here before midnight, you hear me? You better make sure he does Sodapop or you'll both be in trouble, savvy?"_

_I gave my brother a mock salute, "Sir, yes sir!"_

_Pony instead thought counting his chickens before they hatched would be a better idea._

"_So, two or three races then?" _

When I left the bedroom, I silently shut the door behind me. With my hand still holding the door knob, I placed my forehead against the dry wood for a moment, squeezing my eyes shut at the memory.

Everything was normal and fine then.

I should have taken it more seriously. But, I was so busy with having fun I forgot to be a big brother and watch him – I should have protected him. Instead, I ran him over.

No, not over.

I ran into him

Pushing away from the door, I turned away from it to walk down the short hallway that lead into the living room. I kept my head down, my eyes on the dirty and worn carpet.

I didn't even see Darry until his armchair squeaked and even then, I don't think he even knew_ I_ was there.

He was sitting his his chair, hunched over with his head in his hands, just staring at the blank television. I took that moment to examine him; the dark circles under his eyes, the clothes he was wearing were wrinkled and I doubt that he had changed in over a day if he had at all, his hair was the only neat and put-together thing about him.

He still hadn't registered my presence until I took another step causing the floorboard to creak. His head snapped up and he just looked at me – he looked spooked, like I was was a ghost or something coming for his soul.

"H-hey!" There was that forced smile again, "How you feelin'? Hungry?" He was up and out of his chair before I could reply. "I'll make a grilled cheese or somethin' for you. No chance to go to the store for groceries, with all..." He trailed off and let out this weird laugh before going silent.

"Darr-" I started but he interrupted me by slamming a cast iron skillet onto the stove, I jumped up at the noise and then tried again. "Darry?" He didn't answer me for awhile, I was starting to think maybe I wasn't there.

Maybe this was some weird dream and I was finally waking up from it.

Maybe – again something slammed, this time it was the door to the refrigerator. I made a face at the amount of butter he spooned off and dumped into the skillet to melt up. "Have you heard from the hospital?"

As if someone started to slow up time, I watched as Darry pulled out pieces of bread from the bag – the _butt_ pieces I hated.

"Not yet." Was all he said, looking down at the bread in his hands that were flaking and breaking off in his grip. "Maybe we'll just go grab a burger or somethin', how does that sound?"

I wanted to say something to get him back on track, to get him to call the hospital himself. But when he turned to me and I saw those bags under his eyes and the smile on his face that I know he was forcing out just for me – I couldn't and with a sigh I nodded. "Sure. Sounds great."

If only Ponyboy could see him now, he wouldn't think those blue-green eyes looked much like ice right now.

If it was another time, I would've thought it as a good thing. But, now it wasn't.

_I'm sorry, Darry._

We ended up not leaving the house to go get something to eat, instead we were heading back the same route we had just came from a few hours earlier – to the hospital.

Right as we had been heading out the door, the phone rang. On the other line it was someone from the hospital calling to let us know that Ponyboy was out of surgery and in recovery.

When we walked through the double sliding glass doors that lead into the hospital, my stomach began to churn and I felt sick. I wanted to just turn on my heels and run out the way we had came.

But, I couldn't. I wouldn't.

We stayed silent, not saying a word to each other until the elevator doors shut. "He's on the fourth floor," Darry said, pressing a button labeled _4_, "He might still be in recovery, we'll see when we get up there."

I didn't say anything, I was too busy on trying to slow down my breathing and keep calm. I didn't know what I would see when we got up there and my mind was picturing all types of things that made me feel like any moment I was going to heave.

The metal doors of the elevator opened far too soon for my liking.

Stepping out the elevator, my eyes quickly glued themselves to the first thing I saw; a mural on the wall. It was of a tree that was made out of hand prints. I stood there just looking at it, the trunk or the tree, the leaves and even the grass and flowers were all hand prints.

Right above it _Pediatric Wonderland_ was written in cursive using thick black paint.

_So many kids..._I thought looking over the hands, all different sizes but still so small.

I turned away from it and I was surprised to see Darry still standing there a few steps away from me, "I remember when they first started it." He said, "You were up here when you had that bad case of chicken pox, remember?"

I did, somewhat. I remember have the chicken pox, heck I still have scars from then, but I don't remember being in a hospital. "Sorta." I answered with a half shrug.

"Yea you were barely three. You got them from me because you just wouldn't leave me be when I had them." He laughed a bit and I had to smile at that, I was just as bad with Darry as Ponyboy is with me.

That thought my smile faded and by the look on Darry's face I know he was thinking the same.

"How bad is it Dar?" I'm not sure where the courage came from, to ask him. I think I'm just tired of the run around and the half answers, "I need to know before I see him Darry, I-I..."

_I need to know what I've done to him._

He looked at me, almost like he was gauging me on how much I could handle to hear or something. After awhile I didn't think he'd answer but finally he opened his mouth and said, "It's – lets go in here." Placing a hand on my shoulder he lead me into a room a couple of steps to the right of the elevator.

It was a waiting room, blue pastel and white walls with pastel green chairs. We sat down – Darry sitting across from me, leaning forward with his hands balled together.

Again he stayed silent. "Tell me."

Tell me what I have done to him Darry. Please, I gotta know. I gotta know man...

"He – um," Darry paused and cleared his throat, "They had to remove his left leg, from right above the knee down. It...at the scene it was bad, really bad. There was just no way to save it." He glanced up at me to see how I had handled that much information.

Even though I already knew, it hurt to hear. I brought my hands to my face and rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands. I wouldn't cry now – I had to know the rest.

"The other leg. It's just so busted up but it's there. It won't ever be right..."

Part of me was shocked to hear that, then a little bit happy. _He had one that's still there. _Then as quickly as it came, it vanished. _It won't be the same._

And it's all my fault.

I pressed my palms harder against my eyes, willing to tears not to come. But, they did anyway.

"It's gonna' be okay, Pepsi." He moved off his chair to sit on the one beside me, "He'll get therapy though, once this is all done and he gets stronger. He'll have people to help him-"

"We can't afford that!" I snapped between sobs, "We're probably in the hole right now, aren't we?"

I hadn't even thought about that until that very moment. Both me and Ponyboy in the hospital at the same time. Ponyboy needing his surgeries and whatever else that's being done to him.

"It's not your place to worry about any of that."

"Like hell it ain't Dar!" I quickly stood up causing my chair to topple over, but I didn't give it a second thought. I could feel the pain shoot through my shoulder and ribs at the sudden movement, but they didn't get much attention either. "When I dropped out to help us it became my business, it's my job to worry about this too!"

I heard Darry sigh, "We'll be okay."

I wanted to argue more but the sound of his voice, and when I turned to him, the look in his eyes. I know he already had so much on his shoulders, he didn't need me to go on reminding him about it all.

_I'm sorry. _

"I'm sorry Darry."

_All of this is my fault..._

He stood and placed a arm gently around my shoulders. "You okay?" I nodded, even with the throbbing in my ribs, I just nodded. He didn't need to worry about me. "Alright...lets go see Pone, okay?"

"Yeah," I said with another nod, "I'm ready."

To face what I have done.

* * *

I've been sick all weekend and still sick today. Please excuse all grammar issues and typos and stuff. If any stick out for this, or previous chapters, please let me know. I try to re-read things but I fail badly at it.

Wow, I am shocked at the number of reviews from the last chapter! I was not expecting that at all! Thank you so very much! I wish I could say this chapter would please your expectations, however, I don't think it will.

I do have a thing for murals in hospitals (I think I mentioned something in Salvage Me) because it's what I volunteer to do! I love it. I work with a lot of children who are amputees – birth defects, accidents, cancer – no matter what the reason is.

I'll post a few pictures on my profile when I get a chance.

Again,

Thank you!


	6. Chapter 6: Seeing You

**Cruise Control**

* * *

"You alright?" Darry asked me as we came up to room 410, Ponyboy's room in the ward.

My ribs were burning, my shoulder was stiff and I could feel a headache coming on, "Yeah, I'm fine." I said instead keeping my eyes focused on the name plate that was on the wall side of the open door to the room.

Curtis, Ponyboy M. It read.

Darry sighed, he knew I was lying and I could tell he was wanting to say something about it. "I'm fine." I insisted, there was no way I was going to let him talk me into going home now or whatever he was thinking.

He kept his mouth shut, for now, I knew later I'd hear something out of him and with one last measured look at me he stepped into the room without hesitation. However with me – even though Ponyboy wasn't even inside the room, I couldn't help pausing there at the doorway for a heartbeat before stepping in.

One side of the room closest to the door, was empty and dim with its overhead lights off, however when I crossed the other side which was divided by a single thick blue curtain, it was like I stepped into another world.

There were flowers and balloons all along the large windowsill, in the distance you could see the Arkansas River that ran through Tulsa County. There were a bunch of balloons in the corner held down with a oversized teddy bear holding a jar of candy and on the walls cards were tacked up.

"Holy..." I shut my mouth and looked at Darry for some kind of explanation. "Don't tell me the guys held up the Gift Shop."

My older brother laughed at that, the first real laugh I had heard from him in what felt like forever. "No, that brother of ours," He picked up a couple of envelopes from the little table that they placed that, God awful, hospital food on. "He has the darndest acquaintances."

I raised a eyebrow when he handed me the envelopes. I flipped though them, my eyebrow creeping higher into my hairline. Some names I didn't recognize at all but others I did.

Valance...Thompson... Adderson...[Angela] Shepard...Spencer...Davis... and the names went on and on. Many were the people we knew, our fellow Greasers – or at least their family or girlfriends, but the others were...

"Socs?"

Darry nodded, "Few even jumped in to help after the...after it happened."

"That guy I was racing?" Thompson, I think his name was.

"Everyone said he was the one pullin' on the doors tryin' to get you and Steve out."

I handed Darry back the empty envelopes and he placed them back down on the little table. I was shocked beyond words right now, I just wasn't expecting that. From Socs of all people...

"_They're just people. Like you an' me."_ Ponyboy had once said to Dally when he and the rest of the guy were mouthing off about some that they had started a fight with.

Everyone had laughed at him and I hate to admit that I did too – Greasers hate Socs and Socs hate Greasers, that's just how it is. Or so I thought.

I looked around for a little bit more and noticed something that looked oddly familiar – an aluminum balloon that read: It's a boy!

I rolled my eyes. _Two-Bit._

We then settled in a not-quite-comfortable-but-good-enough silence, I sat down in the chair by the window and Darry pulled in the chair from the other side of the room.

We sat like that, just waiting -

* Clack-clack-clack... *

"I think that's them." Darry said, standing up from his seat. I nervously followed him and stood up myself, groaning slightly at the stiffness and pain my ribs caused me. I felt Darrys eyes on me but it was like someone flipped a switch and everything but that doorway wasn't there anymore.

* Clack-clack-clack-clack... *

That noise was getting louder and with it I could hear voices, "Almost there, Ponyboy." one said, their words coming out loud almost like they were speaking to a nearly deaf person or something.

Ponyboy. Ponyboy.

It was Pony and I'll be seeing him – finally seeing him.

People appeared in the doorway, I could just see the back of a tall orderly dressed in white scrubs as he guided the bed into the room. "Here we are," He said, his voice still loud. "Room 410."

"Choo choooo!" Came a softer voice from the bed followed by a giggle.

_A giggle?_

The orderly laughed, "Sure kid, choo chooo. The train is pullin' into the station now." He glanced back at Darry and I, jerking his head to the side. Quickly, I moved out of his way as he and another put the bed in its spot.

I kept my eyes on the figure in that bed – Ponyboy. He giggled again, I could tell he was completely out of it but none of that mattered. There was my baby brother, right there – alive.

"Hey kid." Darry went up to him first, the nurses who came into the room worked around us with ease. Setting up his IV and putting some kind of monitors on him.

I heard him gasp, "Darry!" he squealed, his gray-green eyes were glassy and unfocused.

They talked, at least Darry did, in low hushed voices and as each minute passed I took a step forward.

I allowed my eyes to scan over him even thought part of me did not want to, I knew I had to. I had to see what I had done and at the same time have some type of of reassurance that he was okay.

One leg- his only one, I couldn't even look at it for any longer than a glance. It was a swollen mass of purple, black, blue and red that was wrapped tightly in some kind of clear plastic stuff, making it look like a roast we got from the Butcher.

It wasn't just that, that made my stomach flip. No, that was caused by large pins of metal that stuck out of his leg. (1) I tried to look over to see his other...leg, but the nurse had covered him with a blanket, I only caught a glance of tightly wrapped gauze.

Taking a few more steps closer to his bed side, I was scared out of my mind on what he would do when he noticed me.

Would he yell at me, pointing a finger as he blamed me for everything I had done to him?

Would he even speak to me?

I think I would take the yelling over the silence. I know I would.

"Look who's here." I heard Darry say, he reached out his arm and tugged me closer to him, into Ponyboys line of sight.

At first my voice just wouldn't work and finally, after a few tries I managed to croak out a pathetic, "H-hey Pone."

It took him a moment, I just stood there and watched as his eyes tried to focus on me, "Soda?" Then the largest grin I ever seen on him bloomed across his face. "Soda, you're okay." He reached towards me but his arms were nothing more than a pair of limp noodles and just fell back onto the bed, he started to giggle again like it was the funniest thing in the word.

I couldn't help but to smile at that and I took his hands into mine, it felt like that action alone would cause him to break, I know its silly to think that but it's true.

"Yea baby, I'm okay."

He gave me a goofy smile and squeezed my hands, "Me too." He said simply and just those two words started the water works for me. I wondered if he even knew what had happened, what I had did to him - but I wasn't going to ask him.

I couldn't ask him

I just wouldn't.

No, I wasn't going to break this moment of him still loving me.

* * *

Horrible and short, I know.

I've just been distracted with Harry Potter and getting ready for the upcoming release (and Halloweeen, I'm going to be Slytherin!Harry and my daughter will be Hedwig rofl hush). Making robes, bags and other things for a couple of people and on top of all that I have school work that I'm rushing to do at the very last second.

Oh, I forgot what else I was going to say!

Hm.

1. I was trying to describe a eternal fixation but I've only seen a handful and I could never stomach looking at them.

Well, still not sure on what I was going to say so...

Thanks again for the reviews they make me smile.


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